I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
