I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
