peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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