My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
