If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
