Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
