Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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