your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
