My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like abortions should bother me more
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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