My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
