talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
