Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
