I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
