i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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