As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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