My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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