Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
