guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
