I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
