if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
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