So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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