He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
