I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
