there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dignity is for republicans.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
