he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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