Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
