you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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