Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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