Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You were trust falling into bushes
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
