I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
