i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
