You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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