Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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