You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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