Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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