I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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