Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
