I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
