last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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