finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
