Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
