Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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