I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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