I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
