He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
