I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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