So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
