I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
