I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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