You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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