there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
