Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
